tick tock... tick tock... goes the biological clock!

Why does time go by so fast? When I was a kid, I imagined by the age I am now, I would be married with children (hopefully without a husband who sits on the couch with his hand down his pants and a last name like Bundy hahaha). It is interesting the way the world was created. Nature takes its course and things age, seasons go by, etc. But not only is there a clock in the world, but there's a clock inside us! A BIOLOGICAL CLOCK! you know what is? it is a ticking time bomb! and sadly, it happens to matter more in women than men. how unfair!

So recently I befriended a couple where the husband is about 4 years older than his wife. His wife of about 23 years old will probably start thinking about having kids around when she gets to be my age (27). She asked me what my plans are - when and if I plan on getting married and having kids etc. So they say that you should try to have kids before the age of 35 to reduce risk of complications. If I plan to have 2, I will prob start around 30. But I want a few years of marriage without kids so we can enjoy life together alone and go travel etc. And then it hit me.... oh my god... oh my god.... what am I doing? i'm already off track!! haha i know you can't plan everything out and i know that i should enjoy today, but then I thought about this - how much should I be living my life in the present vs. planning for the future? I've always lived my life in the present - moved around every few years, seizing opportunities to try new things and travel to new places. If I were to get married, do I suddenly forfeit that freedom? What if I get bored of marriage? But what if I continue to live in the present and then 5 years from now I realize that I'm in a time crunch against my biological clock? i mean do i really want to have kids anyway? i can't answer that right now or tomorrow... but what if a few years from now I do want them? i can alway adopt them and i'm okay with that.. but what if i really did want that picture that my extended family is so sure that i need? a settled household? i mean who can fight with darwin?

So the other day I was talking to a college friend of mine who is about to get married. And I asked him why her? He said with each relationship he's been in, he's learned more about what he wants in someone. And though nobody is perfect, she has the qualities he wants in someone he will be with long term. And suddenly in his head the question changed from why her? to why not? I found that very interesting. Why not? When I thought about this, at first I thought, hmmm yea that makes sense. Why not? I've been dating this guy for 3 years - I know him pretty well in and out. I know his flaws. I know his annoying habits. Yet for some reason, I've still stuck around. So why am I still sticking around if I don't think he's the one I want to grow old with? My parents knew each other for one day before agreeing to marry each other and luckily today they are best friends. I'm already best friends with my boyfriend - so what am I worried about? But I am worried... because once you get married - that's it. it's final. and in this world asking "is that you final answer?" requires you to put $1 million dollars behind it!

I'm going to India in December for my younger cousin's wedding. It's going to be hell. If you know Indian culture at all, it is not good for a younger sibling/cousin to be getting married before you. My uncle actually called me and asked me if I could get married this year so that I can be married before his daughter. I had to spill the beans that it ain't happening but I know the minute I step foot in India, marriage will be the only topic of conversation. Saying I'm dating someone is not an option. So it will be smiling and nodding to conversations about how you have to get married because you're options are getting smaller... you won't find someone good... you're going to find it harder to adjust.. what about kids... what about your parents' happiness (my grandmother uses this on me all the time)... etc..

But at the same time, I don't want to force or push my boyfriend into making a decision he's not ready for.. because then he will always regret it or never feel fully satisfied that he made his own decision.. and seeing the way he is right now, he's not ready for marriage. he can barely clean up after himself, he admits he's selfish, he's not decisive about many things let alone marriage. i mean i guess he's like the majority of guys out there in his 20s. and maybe that is why the best situation is for girls to go for older guys - they're more mature AND you have more time to figure out your biological clock! haha

Anyway i don't know why i'm ranting about all of this... i blame PMS... another signal of the biological clock!!