tick tock... tick tock... goes the biological clock!

Why does time go by so fast? When I was a kid, I imagined by the age I am now, I would be married with children (hopefully without a husband who sits on the couch with his hand down his pants and a last name like Bundy hahaha). It is interesting the way the world was created. Nature takes its course and things age, seasons go by, etc. But not only is there a clock in the world, but there's a clock inside us! A BIOLOGICAL CLOCK! you know what is? it is a ticking time bomb! and sadly, it happens to matter more in women than men. how unfair!

So recently I befriended a couple where the husband is about 4 years older than his wife. His wife of about 23 years old will probably start thinking about having kids around when she gets to be my age (27). She asked me what my plans are - when and if I plan on getting married and having kids etc. So they say that you should try to have kids before the age of 35 to reduce risk of complications. If I plan to have 2, I will prob start around 30. But I want a few years of marriage without kids so we can enjoy life together alone and go travel etc. And then it hit me.... oh my god... oh my god.... what am I doing? i'm already off track!! haha i know you can't plan everything out and i know that i should enjoy today, but then I thought about this - how much should I be living my life in the present vs. planning for the future? I've always lived my life in the present - moved around every few years, seizing opportunities to try new things and travel to new places. If I were to get married, do I suddenly forfeit that freedom? What if I get bored of marriage? But what if I continue to live in the present and then 5 years from now I realize that I'm in a time crunch against my biological clock? i mean do i really want to have kids anyway? i can't answer that right now or tomorrow... but what if a few years from now I do want them? i can alway adopt them and i'm okay with that.. but what if i really did want that picture that my extended family is so sure that i need? a settled household? i mean who can fight with darwin?

So the other day I was talking to a college friend of mine who is about to get married. And I asked him why her? He said with each relationship he's been in, he's learned more about what he wants in someone. And though nobody is perfect, she has the qualities he wants in someone he will be with long term. And suddenly in his head the question changed from why her? to why not? I found that very interesting. Why not? When I thought about this, at first I thought, hmmm yea that makes sense. Why not? I've been dating this guy for 3 years - I know him pretty well in and out. I know his flaws. I know his annoying habits. Yet for some reason, I've still stuck around. So why am I still sticking around if I don't think he's the one I want to grow old with? My parents knew each other for one day before agreeing to marry each other and luckily today they are best friends. I'm already best friends with my boyfriend - so what am I worried about? But I am worried... because once you get married - that's it. it's final. and in this world asking "is that you final answer?" requires you to put $1 million dollars behind it!

I'm going to India in December for my younger cousin's wedding. It's going to be hell. If you know Indian culture at all, it is not good for a younger sibling/cousin to be getting married before you. My uncle actually called me and asked me if I could get married this year so that I can be married before his daughter. I had to spill the beans that it ain't happening but I know the minute I step foot in India, marriage will be the only topic of conversation. Saying I'm dating someone is not an option. So it will be smiling and nodding to conversations about how you have to get married because you're options are getting smaller... you won't find someone good... you're going to find it harder to adjust.. what about kids... what about your parents' happiness (my grandmother uses this on me all the time)... etc..

But at the same time, I don't want to force or push my boyfriend into making a decision he's not ready for.. because then he will always regret it or never feel fully satisfied that he made his own decision.. and seeing the way he is right now, he's not ready for marriage. he can barely clean up after himself, he admits he's selfish, he's not decisive about many things let alone marriage. i mean i guess he's like the majority of guys out there in his 20s. and maybe that is why the best situation is for girls to go for older guys - they're more mature AND you have more time to figure out your biological clock! haha

Anyway i don't know why i'm ranting about all of this... i blame PMS... another signal of the biological clock!!

What is Love?

baby don't hurt me... don't hurt me... no more.... (yes i'm head bopping right now!)

Come on... haven't you seen that movie? Night at the Roxburys?

Anyway... back to the point... What is Love?

If I asked my boyfriend (he's in medicine), he'd say it is a chemical reaction in your body.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_(scientific_views)

If I asked others they would say it is an unconditional feeling of giving without expecting anything in return.

If you ask me, I'd say both answers suck!

So yesterday, I was contemplating what I want in a relationship. After writing, I went for a run (i hate running but i'm trying to get into it). After I got back I saw ten missed calls from my boyfriend. Turns out he showed up at my door with a bag of groceries, flowers and wine and was planning on making me dinner to inaugurate my new dishes (I spent a lot of time online finding the right set of dishes and was super happy they arrived the previous night). Unfortunately, he waited for 30 minutes and gave up and left. I called him when I returned and found this out and told him to come back. He did and he made a nice dinner! Very thoughtful!

Now was it perfect? Well not really. It would've been nice if he wasn't complaining about not having time to workout. It would've been nice if he set the table and did the cleaning and dishes afterwards. It would've been nice if he planned a playlist to listen to so we wouldn't hear random songs that clearly weren't setting any mood.

But yet again, I'm asking for more. So where does the flaw really lie? Is it with him because he isn't the ideal date setter? Or is it me because I expect more?

I realized that Love isn't about these random acts. The random acts are nice gestures, but what really constitutes love (in my opinion) is the stability of being there for each other, being able to communicate with each other, enjoying conversations, feeling comfortable around each other where you can make funny faces and sounds and do whatever comes to your mind and not feel embarressed. Feeling at home with the person. Knowing that he cares about you and will always be there for you. Knowing you will do the same. Knowing that we have similar values and get along with each others families and will treat them like our own.

So why do I want more? Is it hollywood and bollywood that have corrupted my mind? Is it the other couples around me that I see doing all these romantic things? I don't know. Probably. Or maybe it is because I'm human and so there is a need for attention and gestures to remind me that I'm special. It isn't about the amount of dollars spent, it is about the time and effort spent planning. I was on a plane to Salt Lake City for my connection to San Jose and the older man sitting next to me gave me a great analogy. If your husband gives you $40 every day and tells you 'Honey go buy yourself flowers!' or if your husband comes home with a bouquet of flowers, cuts them, places them in a vase and sets them on the table once every two weeks, which would you prefer? Clearly the latter. The latter might only cost him $20 every two weeks, while the former costs $40 every day. But it is the time and effort spent in him going to buy it and place it.

Girls and guys think differently. We're different in our needs. There's overlap of course, but maybe love is also about understanding those differences and keeping each other happy even though it doesn't fall in the overlap. Does that make sense?

For me I like to be outgoing and spend my days doing something fun - whether it be white water rafting, miniture golfing, picnic in the park, hiking, biking, roaming around a new area, etc. I need to get up and go.
He likes to sleep in and relax. He enjoys reading, spending time internet surfing, did I mention sleeping? He'll get up and go if I plan it, but he himself won't be the one to plan it. But shouldn't I be happy in the fact that at least he'll get up and try the things I want to do? Yea I wish that he was also outgoing and would plan these things, but is that really necessary?

So maybe we need to realize these differences and learn to appreciate them as well as cater to them. But what I realized is that these things do not equal love. These things are just what maintains a relationship and expresses the love that is already there.

I think I'm one step closer to understanding what I want... at least in one aspect of my life. Now is this to say that he's the one? I don't know. But at least I'm closer to understanding what I think is "Love".

I'm making progress.....

How do you figure out what you really want?

Today I realized that 'reason' is what gives people a drive to go forward. But what happens when you have no reason? Or maybe a bigger problem is that you have too many conflicting reasons?

I guess this comes back to my major dilemma in life, that I don't know what I want. And I'm not sure how to determine it.
Sometimes I want to be someone like Mother Teresa - going around the world, making a genuine impact, helping people.
Sometimes I want to be Steve Jobs - come up with an innovative idea, build a company around it and watch it grow and succeed.
Sometimes I want to be part of the Cosbys - a close knit family who have decent careers and lifestyle, where you come home to a husband that will surprise you with dinner, music, and a foot massage, and your kids will surprise you with a talent show with not that great talents but you'll still think it means the world.
Sometimes I want to be an international vegetarian food critic - I'm paid to travel around the world and eat food!

So how do I achieve all these things? If I try to achieve them all, will I actually be good at any of them? Or will the goals conflict with one another and I'll be left doing nothing really well? Does that mean I have to choose? What if I choose the wrong one?

Even within a relationship, I'm not sure I know what I want...
Sometimes I want to have a relationship out of a movie - adventures, excitement, romance, good surprises
Sometimes I want a family man - we'll have a similar set of values, we'll get along with each others families, we'll create a good environment for developing our own family
Sometimes I want someone who will pick up and move around the world with me
Sometimes I just want to be single so I don't have to plan around someone else's schedule, make compromises, and coordinate things

Does a Mr. Perfect really exist? My mom always tells me that you can always want more from someone, but you'll never achieve someone who has everything, so you need to prioritize your needs vs. wants. Truthfully, she's right. Everyone has flaws. Hell I'll admit it, you might think I'm perfect, but yes I have flaws too! So what flaws am I willing to deal with and what flaws am I not?

Hmmm... there seems to be a recurring theme... choice.... maybe we are doomed by our ability to make choices... there was a time where someone would stick to a job for as long as they could work - they never contemplated the options of what they wanted... they had an arranged marriage, where they made it work with whomever they were destined to.. and interestingly enough, many people were very satisfied with that life. So is the problem now that I just am blessed with having too many choices?

I'm on a quest to figuring out what I want. Not an "Eat Pray Love" type quest where I will get to travel to different countries, live a few months, get sponsored by a publisher and figure this out. But a normal everyday quest, I have a job and I have a boyfriend. But I don't have any 'reason' in my life right now, and without reason, I lack the ability to find peace within myself. In order to find peace and be happy, I need to know what i want. In order to figure out what I want, I need to narrow down the choices and make decisions that I can stick with or at least carry out until I can truly decide it is not the choice for me. Everything is an opportunity cost, but until you make a decision, you'll never know, so I'm ready to start making some decisions, just need to do my homework for a little bit longer. Am i stalling? No, i seriously mean homework. I'm starting to assess my life as an outsider - trying to be objective with what is happening, how i handle things etc. Reflecting, I guess they say. A couple months of reflecting and hopefully I can make some more informed decisions!

Wish me luck!